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marge muses

on going back

1 Feb 2025

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As my partner, dog, and I spend these last few days in Dublin preparing to return to the states, the theme of "going back" has been cropping up for me in various ways...

 

You may have seen that I recently went back to FLIC Scuola di Circo in Torino, Italia... having been invited to lead a week-long yoga residency with their current circus school students. The 1-week invitation swiftly proceeded to expand into 2-weeks, and I couldn't have been more elated! You see, I attended FLIC from 2011-2013, fresh out of university wherein I had achieved my modern dance and choreography degree. FLIC offered a professional 2-year contemporary circus program; my first year had me dabbling in swinging trapeze, whereas my second year grounded me back into my dance and gymnastics roots, and I dedicated my circus training and chosen specialty to hand balance and dance acrobatics. I learned the Italian language within weeks and was surrounded by equally enthusiastic international movers - training, playing, creating, collaborating, and performing day in, day out. FLIC opened up a WHOLE new world to me, not only of movement expression, but of the true meaning of hard work, passion, art, and beauty. (I know it's a bit dramatic, but if you haven't learned that about me by now, welcome to the show.)

 

Going back to FLIC as a professional had me in my feels BIG TIME - and if anything, I was pleasantly surprised to find myself feeling more at home than ever. It was almost as if I fit in even more now than I ever had during my original time spent as a student. This time in a leadership role, I had more to offer... more experience and trainings behind me, as well as the lived perspective of the FLIC student life, then onward as a professional in the field.

 

A dedicated yoga practice was something I could only have DREAMED to know about during my circus training years. That being the case, my overall objective was to impart the importance of focus above all else to the students, and every lesson started with a reminder of my 2 top important points (happy translating):

 

  1. La prima regola dello yoga è: NON FAR MALE

  2. La MIA top regola è: STARE SEMPRE INTERESSATO

 

During my 2-weeks with the 4 different classes of international circus students, I sought to offer a complete yet condensed and comprehensive spread of yoga as a supplement to their training: a Hatha-rooted practice, pranayama, mantras, mudras, chakras, meridians, acupressure, the 5 Ayurvedic elements, philosophy & discussion of Patanjali's 8 limbs of yoga, Ashtanga, Power, Rocket, advanced asana amplifications, self-touch and group massage, meditation, and creative sequencing. Catering to the students, we used theatre, circus, and acrobatic tools to enhance and explore the practice. Students were encouraged to customize, choreograph, and infuse their practice with their own unique artistry. We concluded with a group project: groups of 5 were asked to call upon everything they had learned in the past two weeks to create, collaborate, and deliver their own collaborative yoga sequence to the rest of the student body. Not to mention, I somehow managed to do this all in Italian (more or less), and I was pleasantly surprised at how quickly the language came back to me - a dusty and rusty bicycle, if you will. It may have been the setting itself, but similar to when I first moved to Torino, I basically had no choice but to get with the program - literally!

 

Not only was I honored to be doing all of this at FLIC, but coincidentally my 3rd TIP program kicked off while I was there. I intentionally selected and designed a basic Hatha practice as our first class, going back to start at arguably the 'very beginning' of postural yoga. I'll admit I had a bit of a mind-bending inception moment... imagine this: practicing the roots of yoga, inside my circus school's visiting teacher apartment in Torino 12 years post-graduating, in a program I designed from my VCU dance curriculum, the college I attended rom 2007-2011 and later joined as a professor in 2023... It just all felt so full-circle; I was positively reeling.

 

THEN... I was marinating on the fact that I intend to go back to both Casa Om Potomac AND Casa Om Mexico this year to lead my retreats. Why, indeed? Because I truly LOVE both locations. Casa Om Potomac is the ideal setting for MARGE CAMP Trifecta, what with it being local and drive-able to most of my followers and clients, with an epic mirrored studio, in a gorgeous setting in the height of summer, on my actual birthday... not to mention the entire theme being a going back to the roots of all my movement disciplines, yet braided together in a contemporary way, thanks to all of my lived experiences up until this point. Leaning hard into my millennial-nostalgia, I simple adore a going back to the excitement of summer camp, but this time as adults when it just gets harder and harder to get away from it all. And a third year of MARGE CAMP at Casa Om Mexico? DUH! I keep going back because I truly love the town of Puerto Morelos - the sunrises, the reef, the cenotes, the palm trees, the breezy studio... it's also where, in 2018 when my professional world fell apart, Casa Om caught me, held me, and whispered to me "don't you worry... there is so much more to come..."

 

So... WHY am I telling you all of this? Because these days I'm choosing to consider that going back can be a good thing. And not just good, but incredibly rewarding. Yes, McDreamy and I are going back to Virginia - but we have so many fresh experiences behind us that have enriched us in new ways, likely most of them waiting in the wings to be discovered. Perhaps I will be more equipped than ever to handle whatever comes my way, be it personally, professionally, or otherwise. In contemplating going back to teaching in public studios, it could be that taking a full year off has shifted my perspective for the better and the necessary. So, yeah, we are going back, but we are going back BETTER. What's that poetic thing people say about a slingshot? Something about needing to pull back in order to shoot far forward? Yeah... that... Maybe therein going back lies a secret, a roundabout way to gain momentum and ultimately go forward... only time will tell!

 

I encourage you to reflect on this: have you ever gone back to something you thought you had left behind forever, only to find it supremely rewarding, perhaps this go-around even more so than the original experience? Or have you found yourself going back to only go farther forward than you could have ever imagined? I'd love to hear your thoughts and insights! Feel free to reach out with any revelations or personal musings that jumped to the top of your mind. We are truly all in this together, after all :)

on giving up

1 Jan 2025

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On Wednesday December 4, 2024, I pulled my Irish visa application. We officially gave up.

 

(A quick recap: this year, my partner and I attempted to move to Ireland. Actually, we began prepping for this in mid 2023. He succeeded, and fairly quickly at that. As an architect, he made the cut for a Critical Skills Employment Permit and once he bagged a job, received the Irish immigration’s green light within a month. He boarded his one-way flight to Dublin on January 6, 2024. I naively thought I would be right behind him and put together my De Facto Partner of a Critical Skills Employment Permit Holder visa application (a 4-inch binder filled with hundreds of papers, documents, and tons of pictures of us kissing to verify our relationship). However, I couldn’t do this immediately upon his departure, as I had to wait for his residential documents as my sponsor, an apartment lease with my name on it, proof of Irish health insurance… AND the other major issue was that I needed to apply for a second passport so that I could continue my international work (MARGE CAMPs) while the Irish government held onto my original passport. That was an agonizing process in and of itself; I finally received an official second passport book in about 6 weeks. I then submitted my visa application at the end of February 2024. The Irish immigration website updates their visa decisions every Tuesday, and the date for the type of visa I was seeking hardly budged this whole entire year. Oh - and legally, I was not permitted to travel to Ireland while they had my application.)

 

The term “giving up” has been swirling all around me this year in various contexts. First, I was constantly griping on what we and I had “given up” to chase this dream. We gave up our home. We gave up our jobs, which for me felt like I was giving up not only my sense of purpose at the peak of my career, but also my communities, social health, and authority. I gave up my professorship at VCU Dance, a long-time goal I’d had since graduating in 2011, along with any possibility of deeper integration into the BFA dance faculty. Soon enough, I gave up living with my partner. I later gave up my dog (we shipped Henry aka Mr. Baby to Dublin in April). At the risk of sounding petty, I gave up SO many clothes - at least 80% of my wardrobe, in an effort to both downsize as well as to help fund Henry's $4K+ travel expenses (and that was just the ONE way, we are dealing with the return journey now...). I gave up my independence as I moved back in with my parents. I even gave up my car. Financially, I gave up well over twenty thousand dollars, splitting rent on an apartment I had never seen and purchasing Irish health insurance I would never use - both of which I had to prove I had acquired back in February as a part of the visa process. Ultimately, I gave up a lot of my sanity and a sense of security. I was running out of things to give.

 

And now, we give up on this dream. We finally made the heartbreaking decision to pull the visa application so that I could legally go visit my partner and my dog for Christmas and New Year’s. And when I say heartbreaking, I mean that quite literally; upon clicking the ‘submit’ button to request that immigration rescind the application, I actually felt my heart fall to pieces. One click - and just like that... I’m giving up our European dream. I’m giving up establishing myself abroad and growing a new clientele. I’m giving up the hope of sprinkling MARGE CAMPs across Europe. I’m giving up my vision of hopping on Ryanair flights every other weekend to connect with old circus friends, see spectacular shows, and potentially reintegrate back into the contemporary circus scene. Furthermore, in opting to pull the visa, I’m essentially asking my partner to give up his dream of living and working in Europe.

 

Sacrifices for a fallen dream behind us, what else am I giving up now? In making this ultimate decision, I’m giving up the endless frustration and dark cloud of fear that has followed me around this whole year. I’m giving up my weekly “Tuesday heartbreak” (refreshing the visa website to no new updates every. single. week. for 10 months.). I’m giving up the constant sensation in my stomach that is both a complicated knot AND a bottomless pit. I’m giving up the chronic anger that has been relentlessly digging its nails into my body all year. I’m giving up the paranoia that grips me while traveling internationally, walking up to an immigration officer or kiosk to swipe this completely valid, US government-issued second passport, wondering if I’ll be pulled into a room for questioning or even be arrested. I'm giving up feeling worthless as a yoga professional - unable to use my line of work to earn an independent visa of my own accord. I’m giving up a year long international long-distance relationship I never asked for. I’m giving up wondering if our relationship would survive this, because together we made this final call and together we plan to move forward.

 

As of yet - we still don’t know where that will be, when that will be, how that will be, or what we will be doing. The reality is we did a lot of UN-doing to rebuild our lives elsewhere this year, and now we are left to sort through the messy pieces that remain and start all over with what’s left. It’s ugly and messy and we don’t want to do it, but it must be done.

 

I’ve never considered myself as someone who gives up. I preach hard and hold myself to my own high standards of commitment, discipline, accountability, and seeing things all the way through. The fact that I ultimately had to give up on this endeavor just plain sucks. It’s fundamentally against my nature. But… I refuse to give up any more of my mental health for this absolute trash fire of a situation over which I had very little control in the end.

 

TLDR; I may have given up on Ireland, but in doing so, I chose to NOT GIVE UP on myself.

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To end on a lighter note, upon reflection of my 2024, it has dawned on me that in spite of this ONE enormous failed endeavor, I have actually had a wildly successful and beautiful year otherwise. I led 6 retreats, participated in 4, led 2 complete TIP programs and launched my third, and earned over 200 hours of continuing education as a student myself in handstands, contortion, yin, acupressure, yoga nidra, and sound resonance. I traveled to 6 different countries, spoke Spanish & Italian with locals, got offered a yoga residency teaching gig at FLIC (my Italian circus school), and even led an impromptu yoga class in Ireland when a teacher didn't show up. If nothing else, this year has served as a reminder that polar dualities do and will always coexist, and that's just the human experience.

on trying something new

1 Dec 2024

A few months ago, I met up with some TAOU babes at the beautiful Salinara Art Farm in the heart of Sicily as a participant in their yoga + art retreat. I was super pumped to return to Italy for the first time since 2016, see some familiar faces, discover a new venue, eat amazing food, e parlare con tutti quanti che potevo. But as for the retreat itself, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. Yoga and ... ART? Eek!

 

Yes, I consider myself an artist... but a MOVEMENT artist, wherein my tool is my body and my product is primarily choreography and performance... fleeting! Your girl is NOT a sit-down-and-draw artist. It's been years since I dabbled in watercolors or attempted to sketch a person. I'm just not conventionally "good" at it. Admittedly, I dreaded the "art" parts of the retreat, because I simply don't like doing things I'm not good at - sound familiar?

 

BUT, the way Kat & Katie led us through the week and invited play, curiosity, non-judgment, patience, support, and community was exquisite. So much so that I began to look FORWARD to our artful afternoons! Aside from our speed-dating-esque blind contour drawings rotating around the table every 10 minutes, my favorite part was not necessarily when we would all sit in a circle and draw the figure in the middle, but rather what came after: when we would then walk around the circle to admire everyone else's perspectives and interpretations. They all looked SO different, unique, some abstract, others more lifelike, but most scrawled just as elementary as mine... all while studying and interpreting the same subject. It was the sweetest art gallery ever - and then it hit me: wait, this is just like yoga! If I were to ask a roomful of movers to hit a tree pose, the results would be JUST like this - all different, unique, abstract, etc when given the same "subject" to interpret. What an inspiring revelation!

 

When I try to encourage folks to join my Trifecta retreat I hear things like "oh, that sounds fun, but I don't dance!" or "circus, YIKES - no way!" and it makes me want to grab their shoulders and give them a good (loving) shake. Oh, you don't dance? Then, COME dance with me! Oh, circus scares you? Have you tried it with me yet? It's not like I'm asking you to juggle fire or swallow swords ... in fact, if you trust me as a teacher, I can guarantee you have gotten a taste of all of these disciplines at some point, because it's who I am and from where I teach.

 

I'm here to tell you that I understand the fear. I went on that retreat fearful of being judged, criticized, not good enough, even mocked. And believe me when I tell you that I left feeling confident, seen, appreciated, and part of a community of understood JOY and acceptance.

 

And so, I invite you to come scared. To come curious. To come ready to be surprised and open to having your mind changed. I'll invite you to jump over lily pads and skip with a partner. I'll hold your hand while you cross a balance beam (even if it's a floor beam). I'll show you how to turn the key in the ignition and roll your stockings down Fosse style. You'll be invited to slither across the floor pretending to cover yourself in gold paint, and then asked how you might get that paint off by slithering back the other way. If not leaving with a newfound pristine handstand, I promise to at least teach you how to count to 10 and say "squeeze your ass" in Italian. There are no grades or scores. What I CAN guarantee are giggles, sparkles in your eyes, and glimpses of child-like, care-free, unabashed liberation.

 

Come play with me.

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on meditation

1 Nov 2024

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I rarely sit and meditate *gasp shock horror!* If I'm being honest, I tend to achieve those sweet glimpses of a meditative flow state whilst in movement or as I teach and guide others on their mats as opposed to forcing myself to sit still to observe my rampaging thoughts.

 

But recently, I've gotten into a sauna and cold plunge practice, which has swiftly become part of my daily routine. Now, this a group sauna, so there's usually other people scattered about. We're not really meant to talk, so the first few times, I felt a little awkward. Rather than just sitting and sweating, being aware of everyone actively *not* talking, fidgeting and/or thought spiraling, I quickly adopted a meditation practice using my fingers in various ways to develop my own customized sauna/plunge ritual.

 

I first learned how to use the sections of my fingers to keep count for japa meditation at my 300-hr YTT with Irene Pappas and Sam Vetrano. The counting technique opens a lot of doors as to how one can keep their mind focused while they 'meditate' if they find that a more passive mental meditation doesn't work for them for whatever reason.

 

Sometimes I use my fingers to simply count breaths, to employ a mudra, repeat a quiet mantra to myself, count or repeat words in different languages... I've had a lot of fun coming up with various ways to keep my mind focused with a task. Is that "true" meditation?

 

Who knows. And honestly, who cares? It works for me and I like it. Curious to try? Click below to sample a snippet from The Hermit Lab | J is for: Japa Meditation.

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